One of the worst feelings in the world

A lot of things happened the past two days. I went to a clinic because I was having intense pain in my stomach again. My acid reflux disease has come back in full force. The doctor thinks it's GERD (look it up if you're interested). Anyway, I could talk about that since that's what's been bothering me for the last two days.

But I want to write about something that I remembered just the 15 minutes ago. It was one of those "small" things that defined a person's life after it happened. I didn't realize it will have defined my life until 15 minutes ago... lol. I'd like to add that this is only one such incidence and that there have been many like this in the course of my life.

Anyway, it started out as any other day. I talked to my brother, Rocky. And he said that my other brother, Mikko, plays at this poker site. Now, of all the people in my family, Mikko is the one that's not close to me. For some reason, unknown to me, he avoids me. I might have hurt him in some way before. I just felt that whenever I talk to him that he's putting up a brave face.

I wanted to be closer to him, and I was excited that he was playing poker. So, with this news, I could spend some quality time with him. I didn't really want to get anything out of him. I just wanted time with him. So, I went to the site, and it wasn't one of those real money poker sites. It has a very kiddy look and feel. It's just for people--kids probably--to enjoy the game harmlessly.

I had been playing poker for quite some time, so I figured, well, maybe I can impress my brother, and we would have a jolly good time. I signed up, and got around 500 worth of play money. My brother had thousands, since he has been playing a much longer time at the site than I have.

I searched for him in the site, and when I found him I went to his table and played. Nothing out of the ordinary, he looks like he has a good hold of the game, but it also looks like he's not familiar with the odds of the cards.

For some reason, I was talkative at the table, chatting away at people and overall, being very active in the table. I was trash talking at my brother, saying "I'll take your [play] money," and other comments to that effect. Anyway, I was just trying to be an ass so he can laugh at me when he beats me.

While I was trying to show my brother some moves, other people were coming and going to the table. And there was this person, who stayed for a while. After some time, I started talking to "her". Now, upon reflection, I couldn't have been certain this particular player was a she, but at that time, I assumed she was a she.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I started trash talking this player. She won a few pots against me, and I wanted to get under her skin. I goad her to play more hands and to try and bust me out. This goading, and getting under the skin of other people are quite common in real money poker tables. A lot of players would do that so that they can make their opponents emotional and thus force them to take more risks with their money.

Anyway, from years of playing poker, I picked up on how to do that, and I was virtually on auto-pilot "harrassing" this player. I even saw her keep some of her won money "under the table". What I mean by this is if you started with, say 500, and you won to 3000, you stand up, and get back at the table with 500 only, preventing the 2500 from being lost.

When I saw her do this, it was time to pounce! I made several comments to the effect that I was just trying to get her riled up and play with me. After some time, she left the table, and I went on and played with my brother and we did have a good time.

Now, what's the point of all this? For some time, it was eating me up on how I treated that player. She could have been a small kid, who was innocently enjoying the game, and keeping something away. She didn't deserve to be treated like that. It felt that she my jabs personally and was offended by them. I made her time there hell. She has gone there to enjoy her time, and all she got was this guy giving her a hard time unprovoked and undeserved.

Fast forward to today... I wish I could say sorry and explain myself to her. Actually, I don't want to explain to her. I just want to say sorry. I have no excuses for it. I was being a jackass and I realized how I might have hurt someone for no reason at all.

A gnawing feeling was eating up on me since that day. I felt I was a monster...

And there are few feelings in the world much worse than feeling like that. You can be poor, have your dreams shattered, be embarrassed in front of people, but only a few can really be much worse than feeling like a monster.

Ever since that day, I didn't want to hurt other people... ever again.