I feel like writing, but I don't know what to write about.

Rock Bottom

A lot of people talk about having reached rock bottom, but I'm skeptical of a lot of them. They talk about it in a sense where they still haven't lost that which they desire--the same desire that's supposed to have led them to their rock bottom.

Being at rock bottom is a curious sensation. You give up a lot of things. You give up especially on those things which you hold dear. The problem I have with some people claiming to have reached rock bottom is that they seem to come out a "better" or "stronger" version of themselves... I don't think that is ever the case.

We surrender to our predicament, but we don't come out having a resolution to it. Whether the resolution comes (it *does happen) is irrelevant. Because at rock bottom, you stop to care. You've given up totally that you're happy whether the resolution comes or not!

A metaphor that I can think of is like this: Imagine a person whose wrists are shackled for a significantly long time. They fight their way out, but can't. Until one day, they just stop fighting, and stops fighting their predicament. At this point, they've hit rock bottom. In this moment, they are at peace with their situation. No more fighting the story that they shouldn't be shackled.

Now, whether they somehow free themselves or not... does not matter to them. They're at peace either way. But it does not mean they won't try to help unshackle themselves.

Finally, I have found two quotes that somehow speak to that state of rock bottom:

"It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.."
--George Bernard Shaw

"What I know about dying is that when there's no escape, when you know that no one is coming to save you, there's no fear... You no longer have anything to lose. And in that peace, there is only you."
--Byron Katie

At the Pavilion

(I'm gonna skip on the fact that I haven't posted anything here in months... I'll just pretend that didn't happen)

Went tonight at the Pavilion to work or surf the 'Net. Dad's sleeping on my apartment's couch, so I was thinking of taking Domo with me there lest I leave him with Dad and let them work it out.

My heart melts when Domo wants to go with me wherever I go. Even merely to get a glass of water, he'll go with me. I don't know... I feel he's too attached to me. When I come back from some errand, I'll find him waiting at the glass door of my apartment, steadfastly waiting for his master. The closer I approach, the more vigorous he wags his tail. It's so cute, yet at the same time, it's such a huge display of love that I sometimes feel I don't deserve it.

Tonight, he's here with me at the pavilion... And something funny happened...

He was humping the throw pillows on the couches of the Pavilion... It was funny, it was because he was asserting his dominance on this new place he has never been before. But one of the pillows was close to the edge of the couch, and so when the poor pillow got humped, it fell, taking Domo with it. Hahaha, it was funny. I wish there was someone else to see it with me.

Progress so far

So far, I've lost a total of 10 lbs. I'm now down to 165lbs. I feel good, but I haven't been able to follow the regimen. I'm making small excuses every now and then. I think I could have arrived at this stage faster if I really followed it.

Also, and perhaps more importantly is the food aspect of all this. The recommended method is to eat 6x a day of small portion meals. But I haven't been able to follow this mainly because I'm too lazy to eat when I'm not feeling hungry. And I do get hungry, I'm really really hungry, making me eat a lot.

So, I think I should rectify that issue somewhat...

Measurements

So, I've been in this 'program' for a few weeks now. And, before I continue, I think I have to take on a few measurements. Both as a measuring stick, and to look back and see where I started.

H - 5'4" - 64"
Shoulders - 41.5"
Waist - 35"

I read somewhere that the ideal body is someone that follows a few key ratios in their body. If my goal is towards this 'ideal body'... I will have the following measurements.

Shoulders - 39.5"
Waist - 24" (gulp!)

My shoulders is just 2 inches away... But the waist is (gulp!) 11 inches far! And, is it even possible to have a 24 waist??

Anyway, these are just ideal measurements, and my goal isn't to achieve them, but to have a direction on where I want to go.

Weight Loss - My Goal and Motivation

I am ashamed to admit that I am not in good shape these days. I remember a year back, I had a good weight and form, but have let myself get out of control.

I feel like I have turned a leaf though and felt like coming back to get in shape. Not only that, but I have an ultimate goal in mind... though I'm not yet prepared to reveal it. As a medium-term goal though, I found a good motivation to get back in shape. Come Autumn, around October, I want to be able to wear a nice looking black leather jacket. And since it's for 6 months, I am planning to spend around $600 for this jacket.

The current problem I have of course is that since I'm out of shape, a leather jacket that would fit me and my shape is a larger than usual. Anyone who has seen people wearing these kinds of jackets would notice that the jacket *has* to fit you snugly. And that's why you rarely see it being worn by overweight people.

It looks best when it fits perfectly on your shoulders and let it fall down almost straight. And so, that's my goal. And I hope to get to that level of fitness and shape by October of this year.

As for the particular type of leather jacket I have in mind? Well, I'm keeping it open for now. Though a recent TV show I saw a leather jacket that I'm fond of. John Juanda's jacket when he won the WSOP Europe Main Event pictured below...



So there you are folks. That's my goal, and my motivation. In a next entry, I'll lay out my initial progress, measurements (gulp!) and other relevant information.

Posting Again...

How long has it been?

I thought that I would have left this blog and not write another entry again. There does not seem to be anything of worth to write...

Until recently, when a process at work called 'scrum' rekindled my joys for organizing and planning things. I just bought a whiteboard and got some post its, and followed how we're doing it at work.

I love how we get our tasks organized, which is especially important in an industry as chaotic as the writing software. Anyway... how is this blog related to that?

Well, I figured that in addition to my scrum white board, I needed a way to log my progress through various goals that I want to achieve. At first, I thought of buying a notebook where I could write my progress. But in this day and age (not to mention my tendency to lose physical items), a notebook seem out of place. I'd want to be able to access information such as charts, progress numbers, pictures readily and from anywhere. And the Internet is the closest thing to that.

So, here I am, finding myself in a familiar role of a blog writer. But I don't want to use that term. This is more of a journal for me. Not a blog. It is meant for me to track my progress.

Having said that, I'm glad I'm back. Now, let me pull up my sleeves and begin to work.