Thinking of Going Home

Lately, I've been thinking of going back to the Philippines, for good. I use to day dream it but it's usually nothing serious. The past few days however, I'm beginning to realize that going back to the Philippines might not be a bad move.

I've been in the United States since 2002, so that's about 6 years. It's been a long ride, and I've made lots of friends here already. But I've been seeing that the things that made me chase the dream to go to America, it has been where I've come from right from the beginning.

It took me to go here to realize what I want in life. I'm not talking merely of materialistic aspirations, but also of intangible ones. And it took me some more time to realize that those things I want in life... are there where I came from.

How ironic is that?

Don't get me wrong, I love it here. The people are very friendly, honest and caring. The Americans I've made friends with are characters I'll cherish in my life. Even the Filipinos here are amazingly friendly people.

But no matter how wonderful this place is, there's still that desire to go back... to where you come from... Would a pond fish really enjoy the open ocean? Sometimes, it needs to come back, because no matter how wonderful and better the ocean is, it's home is the pond.

If I ever do come back, I won't feel that I've wasted my time here. Far from it. I've learned a lot. And perhaps the best gift I've received is I've seen the Philippines and Filipinos in a new light. How wonderful is it to truly see how beautiful the my country is, and it's people.

And I wouldn't see that, had I not gone here.

Sweets vs Exercise

I am getting fat these days due to my affinity with sweets and the tasty grease-filled food I've been indulging in the past few weeks.

Man oh man, I love sweets! Specifically white chocolate. Yum yum!

Here's my tally of scores however to track who's winning

Sweets: 117
Exercise: 3

GR

I've anticipated the day for weeks. It is finally here. My main motivation really is to see other Filipinos in Microsoft. In my building, I know of only one, but from the mailing list, there are lots. And I mean LOTS. So, here's my opportunity to meet them.

The party was supposed to start at 6; Robbie and I came at around 6:15, but still, it looks like we're the first ones there. I made eye to eye contact with one of the ushers. I said a warm hi, and we got registered.

There were probably 10 tables, and we decided to sit at one. There were lots of people to get to know, and just keeping track of remembering their names took all of my attention. I saw this girl sit on another table. But I didn't pay attention to her. She was average looking, maybe even on the not so good looking side. But she was well dressed, and she looked groomed. At least I'll give her that. Anyway, I didn't pay much attention to her. I was still busy remembering the dizzying names of people that I just go to know.

There were a few students in the room from the local school. Turns out they have a class trip to the Philippines to install computer networks in some schools there. Cool, I thought to myself. Robbie and I joined in for a conversation; so did this woman on the other table. She introduced herself. And I'll call her GR.

Right off the bat, GR was very good in English, the first thing that came to my mind was she probably grew up here. But more than that, she spoke clearly and confidently. I was mystified. There was something about the way she talked and the way she carried herself. She was so sure of herself. She has an attitude and speaks her mind.

Once the clique ended, I whispered to Rob that I'd like to talk to GR later in the party. He said he can see why I'd be attracted to her. I couldn't quite articulate why she turned me on, I guess it's because confidence is so sexy. Or perhaps it's a subconscious switch that tells the brain that confident people are good in bed.

As the party progressed, I got bits and pieces of small talk going. But no deep conversation. She departed early, and I just said goodnight. I looked up her registration and remembered her email address.

Now, if I can only sum up the courage to ask her for a casual chat over coffee...

So I'll Remember...

I haven't posted a new entry for over a month now. And why is that? I don't know... Maybe I just didn't feel like writing.

But I remember now why I started this blog. And it is to remember.

So that several years down the road, I can look back and see who I was.

The World As A Reflection

It is my experience that the more I accept the world, the more I accept myself. And vice versa.

The more I forgive myself, the more I forgive the world. It's one of the hardest things for me to do, because I would generally think that it's fine to be hard on myself because it's internal, it's private. No one will see it. And no one is getting hurt except possibly myself.

But the world is a reflection of what's inside of ourselves. _My world_ is a reflection of what's inside of me. If I'm joyful, the world is a wonderful place to be in. If I'm in conflict with myself, the world is a harsh place to manage.

The best thing I can do to make the world a better place is to forgive myself. And the best thing I can do to myself is to accept the world--the good, the bad, everything.

First Time - by Lifehouse

I like this song so much! I dance to it or just drum my hands to its beat.

Into the Wild

A few weeks ago, I was looking for a book on travel in Amazon.com, trying to see if there's another enjoyable book out there like Long Way Round. I liked the chronicle of LWR, where the protagonists traveled eastwards from London to eastern Europe to finally Alaska and then New York (hence the title).

In this process, I encountered the book, Into the Wild, and after reading it's synopsis and a few reviews, I was to say the least, haunted by what it was about. It's the story of a college graduate who walked away from a bright future, friends, and family. For what reason? Maybe chase something, find something or run away from something. However, some time later, his emaciated body was discovered rotting in the Alaska wilderness.

Why did he do it? And more importantly, what was he chasing or running away from? Despite how much the whole thing intrigued a fundamental question in me and haunted my soul, I decided that it's not time to get into it yet.

It's shocking to say the least. For weeks, I tried to get it out of my consciousness. Every time the thought to read it comes, I have an excuse to not do it. Tonight, however is different. The questions remain. I know I have to follow this all the way.

Why did he do it? Why did he let go of everything that was important in his life? W-H-Y?

I'm compelled to know. To get to the bottom of this. As I contemplate what drove this young man to follow this path and ultimately his death, I contemplate my own existence and the things that I hold dear in my life. I too am searching for something. I too am trying to follow a path.

So, I finally put the order to Amazon.com. I feel the chills down my spine. What will I find?