There should be a term for the type of people who, in their lifetime, maintain only a limited but very deep connections. As opposed to others who are social butterflies, but the extent of their connections with others tend to be shallow.

I wonder if there's a term for those... In the meantime, I shall randomly name it "Marmalade." I'm a marmalade...

My parents' riches

I'm thinking of asking my parents to remove myself from their pamana.

This is not an easy decision, but I think it's the right decision for me. When I don't care then I don't feel I have to supplicate to them. They tend to be overbearing... And when I don't care--utterly don't care about what they think of me--I feel I'm my own person--not someone who they want to be.

In addition, I feel I'm free to pursue whatever the fuck I want knowing that whatever I do will have no bearing whatsoever on whether I get anything from them.

That is how I'd want things.

It's an unpopular decision. And anything who might happen to read this might say how stupid I am. But it's what my heart is telling me.

The Right Reasons

Sometimes, when I'm planning on embarking on an endeavor, I seem to be taking a little longer than expected to make a decision. It's not indecision mind you. I'm generally not oscillating between whether to do it or not.

What I usually want is to know that I'm doing it for the right reasons.

Sometimes, we go about life doing things for some reason we tell ourselves. But underneath those, there's a real reason. Life will let us know if we have the right reasons or not. Sooner or later, we will realize whether the pain and hardship of the endeavor is worth it.


If it's for the wrong reasons, it generally leads to misery and suffering. If we're doing it for the right reason, there might be challenges along the way. But we are resolute in our belief and at peace with our intentions that the challenges are just that and don't cause us misery (even though it might be a really tough challenge).

This awareness is gained, IMHO, only through experience. This is why a lot of young people make this mistake. It takes a somewhat aged person to realize that besides the usual things needed to start a new journey, it's also whether we have the right intention for it.

I feel like writing, but I don't know what to write about.

Rock Bottom

A lot of people talk about having reached rock bottom, but I'm skeptical of a lot of them. They talk about it in a sense where they still haven't lost that which they desire--the same desire that's supposed to have led them to their rock bottom.

Being at rock bottom is a curious sensation. You give up a lot of things. You give up especially on those things which you hold dear. The problem I have with some people claiming to have reached rock bottom is that they seem to come out a "better" or "stronger" version of themselves... I don't think that is ever the case.

We surrender to our predicament, but we don't come out having a resolution to it. Whether the resolution comes (it *does happen) is irrelevant. Because at rock bottom, you stop to care. You've given up totally that you're happy whether the resolution comes or not!

A metaphor that I can think of is like this: Imagine a person whose wrists are shackled for a significantly long time. They fight their way out, but can't. Until one day, they just stop fighting, and stops fighting their predicament. At this point, they've hit rock bottom. In this moment, they are at peace with their situation. No more fighting the story that they shouldn't be shackled.

Now, whether they somehow free themselves or not... does not matter to them. They're at peace either way. But it does not mean they won't try to help unshackle themselves.

Finally, I have found two quotes that somehow speak to that state of rock bottom:

"It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.."
--George Bernard Shaw

"What I know about dying is that when there's no escape, when you know that no one is coming to save you, there's no fear... You no longer have anything to lose. And in that peace, there is only you."
--Byron Katie

At the Pavilion

(I'm gonna skip on the fact that I haven't posted anything here in months... I'll just pretend that didn't happen)

Went tonight at the Pavilion to work or surf the 'Net. Dad's sleeping on my apartment's couch, so I was thinking of taking Domo with me there lest I leave him with Dad and let them work it out.

My heart melts when Domo wants to go with me wherever I go. Even merely to get a glass of water, he'll go with me. I don't know... I feel he's too attached to me. When I come back from some errand, I'll find him waiting at the glass door of my apartment, steadfastly waiting for his master. The closer I approach, the more vigorous he wags his tail. It's so cute, yet at the same time, it's such a huge display of love that I sometimes feel I don't deserve it.

Tonight, he's here with me at the pavilion... And something funny happened...

He was humping the throw pillows on the couches of the Pavilion... It was funny, it was because he was asserting his dominance on this new place he has never been before. But one of the pillows was close to the edge of the couch, and so when the poor pillow got humped, it fell, taking Domo with it. Hahaha, it was funny. I wish there was someone else to see it with me.

Progress so far

So far, I've lost a total of 10 lbs. I'm now down to 165lbs. I feel good, but I haven't been able to follow the regimen. I'm making small excuses every now and then. I think I could have arrived at this stage faster if I really followed it.

Also, and perhaps more importantly is the food aspect of all this. The recommended method is to eat 6x a day of small portion meals. But I haven't been able to follow this mainly because I'm too lazy to eat when I'm not feeling hungry. And I do get hungry, I'm really really hungry, making me eat a lot.

So, I think I should rectify that issue somewhat...